Over the new year holiday I spent a few days with my younger sister, her husband, and my nephew on Catalina Island. My sister was there to help out my aunt and uncle at one of their restaurants since they were shorthanded with staff. My brother-in-law got roped into helping out as well, leaving my five year old nephew to hang out with my aunt. That is until I arrived, then I took over watching my nephew which I always enjoy.
My aunt is the matriarch of my mom’s side of the family (who are Chinese). If you’ve read The Joy Luck Club, that’s pretty much our family. My aunt is an old school, bricks-n-mortar, Chinese businesswoman. She believes in hard work, long hours and save, save, save. Her ideal life for me, would’ve been to marry a wealthy Chinese man (even though I’m only half Chinese, my dad’s Caucasian) preferably a doctor, live off my rich husband and have one child.
My mom on the other hand is more “Americanized” than my aunt, allowing me to be who I am today – to be happy and comfortable about my choices and decisions in life. She does however agree with my aunt on saving every penny you earn and only spending it for things you need. But on the subject of men, my mom’s words of her wisdom, “Never depend on a man.”
Can you start to see the internal conflict and dysfunction I might be having? That’s just minutely scratching the surface. After many years of therapy, self help books, research, discovery, recovery and what have you…I feel confident of who I am today.
So how could one conversation with my aunt over the new year holiday strip away all of my self worth, self work, and revert me to feeling like a little girl?
Our conversation started out civil until it segued into me not having a child only because she thinks I don’t have enough money to raise one, due to my husband not being a billionaire. Then she mentioned that I need to find a career because PR (public relations) isn’t a career. Without a pause or breath, she carried on about how I’m 38 now and soon I’ll be 50 and can’t live on just Social Security. I need to start saving for retirement but without a career or wealthy husband that’s not going to be possible for me. Mind you, these are her thoughts about my life, not the reality of my life.
After she had her say, I was in shock. I had no smart or diplomatic response which is unusual. I felt like I was getting in trouble. All I wanted to do was defend my life, my choices and tell her I have plans but I couldn’t even do that. I left Catalina Island, nephew in tow covered in negative muck.
This is the part where I should be the bigger person per sé. The part where I have to understand she’s old school and I’m new school (with old school values). On my drive home, I slowly came out of paralysis. I started to go over in my head of what I should have said to my aunt. My head swirled with questions and statements like, “Why didn’t you say this? Why didn’t you say that? You’re an idiot for not saying something more. What’s wrong with you? You’re a loser. You’re a failure. You suck.”
All of my therapy, self help books, research, discovery, recovery and what have you – completely thrown out the window. Her words stung. Maybe there was some truth to what she said. Maybe I felt she thought less of me. Maybe I didn’t want to start my life over just to appease her old school mentality.
I called my mom for some empathy but she wasn’t giving it out. She said, “You know your aunt just wants the best for you. She doesn’t mean to be harsh, that’s just the way she is.” Not what I wanted to hear from my mom.
I was so beat down, I couldn’t pull myself out of this one on my own. I texted my sister’s cell phone a brief synopsis of what went down and she replied back, “I’m sorry. I’m glad you came. Thanks for helping me out. It makes me sad 
I love you no matter what and am proud of you.”
My sister’s words pulled me right out of the spiral I was in. I shed a few quiet tears in my kitchen while my nephew played in the living room. She understood, she was sympathetic.
I guess it doesn’t matter if your views or styles of life fall under old school or new school, we can learn from both if we’re open to it. What matters is the compassion and sensitivity one gives towards another person that puts the icing on the cake.
